Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
