My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
