Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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