tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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