Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
