dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
