I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
