I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
