the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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