and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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