Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
