Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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