So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
How naked do you want me to be?
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