I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
