You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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