i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He shit in the fireplace
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
