My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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