i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
