Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
