I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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