Apparently you make a good broom.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
