You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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