Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He passed out mid-signature
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
