yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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