a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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