When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
