I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Tornado booty call.. dedication
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
