If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
