never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
