I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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