i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
