Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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