i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
