i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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