How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
