ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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