He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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