god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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