i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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