Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
