Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
