After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
