Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
