I can tuck mytits in my pants
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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