I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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