Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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