your thong is hanging out like whoa
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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