i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
