I can't breathe out the right side of my face
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
