That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
