the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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