Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
